Nightmares Again

Another night with no sleep on the horizon. I'll get exhausted and pass out sometime after the girls are off to school like usual. PTSD is a bitch. Now that the war's over in Iraq, the VA has it's work cut out for it taking care of all the fractured psyches the DoD made for them.

You can't avoid it. War changes a person. I've seen things that would make your average suburban wage slave claw his own eyes out. Friends dead or gruesomely injured. Civilians shot and blown to bits. I got out in 2005 and I still can't stop seeing them in my dreams. I can't imagine what the mind of someone who served three tours in that shithole country must be like. Every day in a place like that, where the mere act of going outside can result in a horrific death, strips away part of your soul. Eventually the sore spots become calluses and you get to a place where you are used to that environment and can function without worry. How does a person like that fit back into a non militaristic society?

Short answer: they don't. Long answer: they fake it and put on a happy face. They may find work, and they may find love, but they live the rest of their lives looking over their shoulder. Once you build up a survival instinct, it's damn near impossible to let it go.

I go to bed every night hoping and praying for no nightmares, and the ability to sleep the night through. Sometimes it even happens. But the nightmares come just often enough that I can't help but have a little dread in my soul every time my head hits my pillow, and the sleeplessness is so hard to explain to those you love. My wife is the most caring and sweet person i have ever met, and i can't bring myself to explain this sense of constant dread that hangs over me. There's no reason for it anymore. I'm home, safe, in my house on American soil, surrounded by the people i care about most in the world. I should be happier than a pig in shit; And I AM happy, but there's always a cloud of worry hanging over my head. Like my mind is constantly waiting for that one last mortar round to fall. And so Some nights, sleep comes hard or not at all.

Anyway, i guess i'll try this sleep thing one more time. i can get 2 hrs. in before the girls get up.

Until next time...